Dating Part 1: The Apps

The good, the bad, and the downright weird. Ladies and gentlemen, it is a jungle out there.

Aug 25, 2024

When one begins their maiden voyage on the good ship Dating App, they are filled with optimism and hope. Or at these this one - me! - was. And while we all probably know a fantastic love story resulting from opportune use of them, my experience has been, well, not quite that. For me it has been a case of slow erosion of my early optimism, replaced with exasperation, followed by a slow descent into cynicism. Cue a cycle of swearing off them, to declaring that I didn’t mean it, it was just a dating sabbatical I was taking to recharge the optimism bank, and starting once again, with renewed optimism. (Repeat).

In the coming weeks I will write a more considered, reflective piece on dating - it has been a steep learning curve both about the ways of the world, and oneself - but for today, dear reader, let me scene set for anyone that has never found themselves on a dating app as a fully formed adult. I have a friend in that position, happily married (probably), who told me a story about sitting behind a girl on a train who was swiping on one. That was it, that was the entire story. She was enthralled to watch the live swiping and it dawned on me that some people know nothing of what it is like to be on them, so before we get to the reflective piece in a few weeks, let’s start here.

The apps all work in a similar way: the user indicates an interest in someone via a like or a swipe, based on the someone’s photos, bio, or their responses to some question prompts. If the interest is reciprocated, you are matched and are able to start conversing on the app. What differentiates one commonly used app from another is this: on Bumble, the female always initiates the conversation - a safeguarding measure, I believe. On Hinge, you are able to see people who have liked you as well as your matches. Tinder - I can’t comment for sure but I think it follows the same basic premise. Raya - touted as the “celebrity” dating app - same. It is, FYI, the only one I still have. Not because it’s great - it is like being at a really shit party but with lots of good looking people - but because it takes a while to get approved to get on, and I don’t want to have to go to the back of the queue. Plus it gave me opportunity to tell Brett Goldstein (Roy from Ted Lasso) that he wore marigold gloves well, so there is that.

No matter what you think of them as a concept - and yes, I agree that they probably indicate the end of civilised society, and yes I also agree, who wouldn’t rather meet people organically - for us singletons they are a means of accessing a pool of fellow single people who are willing to chat and see what happens. So here are my screen grabs from my time on the apps over the years, retrieved from various groups chats and shares with friends, for purposes of having the craic before we go deep in the coming weeks.

It’s an education.

THE MAN CHILDREN

Let’s kick it off - football pun intended - with this curious one. If you are wondering what you are looking at below, it is a picture of a middle aged man holding a picture of himself as a child, with Brian Clough, who was a football manger of yesteryear. That was his “best foot forward” picture.

No, I don’t understand it either.

THE PETULANT MAN CHILDREN

Flirting X Immaturity X Aggression = not the finest collaboration. Me on the right.

If I am indeed a rebel, it is without clue or cause, but I was rather proud of this retort.

THE ONES THAT SHOULD TRAVEL MORE

Read the room, mate.

THE DOGFISHERS

Has it escaped their notice that these animals look either depressed or terrified?

These are a particular bug bear of mine as they remind me of politicians going to great lengths to be photographed with babies.

Ps “dogfishing” is in the dictionary now, you know. It’s a thing.

THE ANGER MANAGEMENT GRADUATE

Well that’s reassuring.

THE HOLIER THAN THOU

Ah thats nice. I’d ban virtue signalling.

THE FUNNY ONES

Here we have two bios from different guys, and an exchange between another guy and I, again me on the right. Among the self proclaimed “meme lords” there are some funny ones. Although the funniest one I had was a fellow who, as was ascertained after some confusion, said I looked “ravenous”, when he meant “ravishing”.