July: I'm tired, vulnerability is hard, and is James Corden really that bad?
Picking up viruses like it's 2020, and can you believe that James Corden is a) still alive and b) not American? My mother couldn't.
Here we are again. The turn of the month. Officially closer to 2025 than to 2023.
It has been a month of two parts, and reflecting upon it I do have to laugh a little at how it ended up going. Here is what I wrote when I started this round up earlier in the month:
It was a big one professionally, and it feels like I’m in a state of flow on that front - that sweet little spot where you are challenged, there is a bite, but dealing with it and liking the results. I think that’s what success means to me - less about status, or symbols, but to like what you do and how you do it. Everything is temporary and all that, but for now I’m in a nice little spot.
Well a temporarily nice little spot it was, because by mid month I was feeling done. Zero energy, wiped out, can’t leave the flat kind of done. I started to worry about myself a little bit to be honest, as I don’t usually skip workouts or step counts, and can talk myself out of a bad mood in 48 hours at absolute maximum. I resolved to give myself time and trust that it - my joie de vivre - would return when it was ready. To make a boring story less boring, it turns out that I have been SICK! With COVID! It’s so odd because despite being utterly lethargic with a permanent headache and not tasting things, it never dawned on me that I was unwell - I just berated myself for not being better. Funny how the mind works. Anyway I took it as good news, because obviously that too will pass, and the further good news for you, dear reader, is that I have consumed unholy amounts of TV and podcasts and so my post next week will be dedicated to allll of that.
So it was a quieter one socially, but here is where I did go prior to be stricken (STRICKEN! HARK! insert fainting woman emoji here!) with the virus.
Stevie Nicks
Hyde Park British Summer Time festival was the setting, and two thirds of the Montenegro Six was the company. Is Stevie Nicks impressive as hell? Yes, yes she is. Is Hyde Park festival a well run affair? Also yes, yes it is. Am I a lover of thousands of people spread over a vast area and being distant to the stage? Probably not. I could attribute this to my advancing years, but it has probably never been my favourite thing to do - when I was younger I never made it my business to attend any proper festivals, you know the in the thick of it, down and dirty, haven’t come into contact with running water in three days kind of shindigs - so that is probably quite telling. I had a gay old time, but I probably won’t rush to return to this kind of festival.
The Constituent
There are some things in life that are special. The first drink at a wedding reception as guests arrive in their finery, ready for the high spirited evening ahead, for example. Being out and about at dawn, as the rest of the world is only just unfurling to life. Nights balmy enough to sit outside and drink wine and eat cheese in the darkness, to the sound of crickets. All on the list. Another one is the atmosphere of the crowd leaving the theatre. The mix of those folks stretching out their arms and legs, the couples snuggling into each other to begin the journey home, the colleagues heading onwards to the pub to debrief, those on maybe 4th dates wondering if the other person got it? The people on their own. Those still trying to convince their mothers that one of the actors IS NOT AMERICAN. It’s a big enough crowd to feel really part of something but not so big to drown out your own feeling of significance in the magic. It’s something special.
Anyway, My mother and I very much enjoyed 90 minutes of “The Constituent”, starring James Corden and Anna Maxwell Martin (Motherland) in The Old Vic. It came as a surprise to my mother that James Corden isn’t dead (?!?!) and that he isnt’t American. It was fast paced, witty, relevant, and thoughtful. It covered a lot of ground - people unravelling, boundaries of professionalism, empathy, jumping to conclusions, and poses the ultimate question of why anyone in their right mind would enter politics?
I told three people immediately after that I had been, and they all said the same thing: “James Corden - bit of a knob, no?” and I am pleased to report that any knobbiness did not translate into his character on the night, which is actually a compliment to his acting capabilities, when you think about it…
That’s Why Mums Go To Switzerland
This one woman play was part of Riverside Studio, Hammersmith, Bitesize Festival. Another canter of a performance, it described the dynamic of 3 generations of women living under one roof. It managed to cover all the nuance of that, and despite what you may infer from the title, only did a light touch on the subject of assisted dying in Dignitas. What it did really well was describe the struggle to be vulnerable which really touched a chord - more on this in monthly musings, below. There was a line towards the end that said “it was the last 30minutes of her (mums) life and still we could not find a way to just be”, which I also thought was poignant. Many a tear was shed by the audience and it was a touching watch.
Writers group
It has become a joy to seee the names and faces of a few women crop up in my inbox, notes or onscreen here on Substack this past number of weeks. Women whose names I didn’t know a year ago. Women who are closer to making writing not just a way of life, but a living than I’ll ever be. Most of them are part of
monthly writing group, which I ended up being part of in a curious twist of events, and I’m so very pleased that I am. To - it was a pleasure to see you again. To the people I haven’t met in person but who frequent my inbox with their fantastic writing ( I’m looking at you), and to one who wasn’t there but also brings a smile - thank you. You all made a covidy lady happy over the weekend, and you always do. Reader - lend your eyes to all these Substacks - there isn’t one that I don’t adore.Good stuff this month
I’ve replace the 3*3 with just “good stuff” as that seems easier for everyone, really.
#1 ASOS CO-ORD
This caught my eye and I’m mad about it - though I think I have a co-ord obsession. I ordered it in a size ten, and love in on too, although I have also ordered the smaller size as it might be just a little loose. Will see!
#2 LISA ELDRIDGE “KITTEN” MASCARA
Mascara is such an individual thing with so may variables - wand type, wand length, girth, formula - and I, being the owner of the oiliest eyes around, have always struggled to find one that doesn’t give direct assistance to my already genetically gifted dark circles. I also favour the long and separated look - rather than “volume” which I don’t really understand when it comes to lashes. I’m absolutely obsessed with this mascara - it’s lengthening and natural looking and doesn’t transfer and I love it. That is all.
#3 LABECA ONE SHOULDER DRESS
This is the kind of dress that I would definitely reach for and wear - both in the city and on holidays. I think it would be a hard working piece in anyones summer wardrobe for years to come - comes in other colours too.
#4 CALVIN KLEIN EUPHORIA
Forever a favourite, I treated myself to a bottle of this earlier this month at the airport and was reminded of exactly why. O and I read that Naomi Watts loves it so y’know, good enough for Naomi…
#5 PIXIE MARKET
This American based label has some really good pieces - think The Frankie Shop with a less hefty price tag. Well worth a deep dive, with a glass of wine at the end of a long day.
#6 PORTABLE PICNIC TABLE
For those of us that find ourselves at the park drinking wine during the summer months, this is possibly the best invention there ever was. Whoever came up with it - I salute you. If it’s not obvious - the legs fold up AND it has a strap for you to transport it on your shoulder. Genius. Search on Amazon for “portable picnic table wine” and it throws it up from a handful of suppliers
And, eh, drink responsibly, people.
Monthly musings - Showing Vulnerability
When I’m under the weather I want no one around me. I find myself insufferable, never mind anyone else having to endure me. Drilling that down, I don’t like to feel like an imposition on anyone -upon their schedule for errands, or with the burden of worry.
As well as this, and this started before it dawned on me that I was sick this time, I go into a deep dark hole of introspection. For example, I found myself thinking about that time when I was about 14 and had an argument with a friend, and wondered if I was very right or very wrong, which is of course, daft.
The below (poem? whatever you’d call this amalgamation of words) was the product of the lethargic dark whole, and almost became the entirety of last Wednesday’s post. I chickened out as I was afraid it would be perceived as some sort of a cry for help from a woman on the verge- too vulnerable for my liking. But I’m rolling with it today, because that’s how life goes sometimes: you get sick, you feel down, you rest, you go again. I read it now and I think to myself WOMAN GET A GRIP, and also get a lemsip while you’re there, but at the same time it was true then. Showing vulnerability is as showing vulnerability does, and among all the “mad women” “AI debacle” and “sale shopping” posts, this once a month round up is designed to hold a bit more depth. So it stays!
I’m tired, people.
I’m tired going to the gym, I’m tired lifting heavy things and setting them down again. I’m tired sprinting until I’m covered in sweat and am struggling to catch my breath. I’m tired wondering if I’ve done enough at the end.
I’m tired coming back to my flat, washing my hair, drying it. Making my coffee, unloading the dishwasher, loading it again.
I’m tired working. I’m tired fighting for other people and I’m tired fighting for myself. I’m tired of taking care to not be patronising and I’m tired of being patronised.
I’m tired being treated like shit by people who should know better.
I’m tired wondering if it’s because I’m not enough, or if it is because I’m too much.
I’m tired deciding what to eat. I’m tired putting together meals and I’m tired of wondering if they are nutrient dense enough or if I could have done better.
I’m tired of feeling guilty for being tired when other women keep households of people going and don’t appear to be tired.
I’m tired reassuring friends and family that Im fine! I’m just a bit tired! (I am fine. I am just tired).
I’ll rest, and I won’t be tired any more. But today people, I’m tired.
And rest I did - I have indulged myself a few days of system shut down, on the sofa and I am almost back to myself - probably even more insufferable.
Back on Sunday with news of some changes for this column…
Until then
Big Love
Una
x
Wow, I am so incredibly flattered at the mention here. I truly love Farrah's writing groups too, so inspiring and comforting to be in the company of other writers. This post really moved me. I too was sick for a month without realizing it, spent the first few weeks berating myself, blaming hormones and laziness until I became ill to the point where my body forced me to sleep for 20 hours straight. How stunning to realize that our knee jerk reaction to illness is that we've done something wrong! So mind blowing and silly, why can't we give ourselves a break and a little rest without feeling guilty for it? I'm gonna work on that. Absolutely love the poem at the end, thank you for sharing and looking forward to seeing you at the next monthly meetup!
It always a pleasure to see you. You deserve and need to rest. I hope you're feeling better. I often feel like a failure when I get sick, it's ridiculous. Oooh i wanted to see Stevie Nicks but I'm not that into festivals either, I don't like the crush. And I felt too tired to book the tickets when they were released. Huge hugs. A